Battling with Depression pt1 | The doctor's session

Hey my loves. What an important topic and area in my life this is. By the end of this discussion you'll have an understanding around how depression has impacted my life and how I work to break the cycle.

I have (3) parts to this post I'll share one each week for the next 3 weeks.

In 2010 I was diagnosed with Major Depression by my physician. He was the first person I confided in about my true feelings and emotions. I remember vividly what we talked about like it was yesterday. I think one of the best things about finally talking about my illness is how comfortable he made me feel throughout our entire discussion.

My physician was actually my boss how wild is that. He was the true definition of a good doctor. His personality showed in his work but his biggest trait was patience. Our first session was very emotional I learned that I was suffering from build up aggression from my childhood and current traumatic things that  I was going through.

I remember sitting in that seat palms sweating and I was  looking around the room hearing everything going on around me. Which was silence and him writing in my chart; what a weird and uncomfortable feeling that can be not knowing what the other person is thinking.

I sat there thinking a million things because that's what I do when I get nervous. His first question was " How are you feeling today" for the first time in a while I had no idea what to say because I was much in my head. I then responded " Eh I could be better" He chuckled because he knows me very  well and it shocked him that I was so closed in.

He then asked "why are we here?" following by " Sabrina it's okay we know each other and it's a safe place". Those words sounded so inviting but I still didn't fully opened up to him. At the time I had recently moved to the United States from Guyana. My country where all my friends and life was. It was very overwhelming talking about it because I felt really stupid crying over little things I thought meant so little to him. It was so hard for me to be separated from that free life it was more crucial because I was not making friends here. That was the first thing I talked about feeling "ALONE AND MISERABLE".  I missed my girlfriend at the time who and I were falling apart because I had moved. There was so much going on.

I did not like family not my immediate but my extended family we were not getting along. I felt like it was a race thing  they made me feel  like I was the outcast. That played a role in losing my identity because it tend to fuck with my head because I was only the mixed member around a group of Indians. I didn't grow up much with these people so even though I had very minimal memories of them I didn't feel accepted.

The few friends I made at the college I went to were very back stabbing and controlling and I did not like that. Back then I felt more like a loner I was very anti social. I loved being in my own space and head. I rarely ever came out to talk. I was feeling so many feelings I couldn't explain, I was experiencing too many feelings and they were out of control. I grew so closed in I rarely ever spoke to my own mom Florida was a huge systematic place  I felt suffocated I wanted to be back in the Islands.

After explaining these things to him his facial expression changed. I analyze everything if you haven't noticed from you reading this. I notice most things a lot of people don't pay attention to. I could tell that what I was saying was not what he expected me to say. I don't think he was also ready for what I was about to say next. Are you?

I wanted him to know exactly the things I was feelings so he could better explain this emptiness I felt. I told him how many times I thought about doing things to myself things I never thought about doing.

Earlier that year I recalled it was raining that night. I was in my room just laying there thinking about how bad I wanted to be home with my friends I hated where I was I. Calling my friends wasn't as simple as 1,2,3. It was costly and our lives were changing rapidly. As the months went by I grew angrier at my mom for bringing me to the united states. Why did she bring me here? Why am I the one always getting blamed for everything? Why can't I go home? Why why why!

All these questions but no answers. I lived in my head sometimes I wonder how did I manage to make it out of my head at some points. But this night I began doing something unthinkable I don't fucking know what provoked me that night. I was laying on the floor just listening to some music. You know being in my element. I was heavily into music and just being weird at times at some people thought. Yes people in America called me weird.

I was Constantly in my own world.I found this razor that was just sitting on the desk by the computer. I think my grand ma actually removed some stitches from a piece of clothing I forgot that was sitting there. I was only playing around with it when I remember a crossed thought crossed my mind.  Then something in me kept pushing me to do it. I think it was my will that kept pushing me to do it. As old I was in my late teens I was not in the right mindset.

I remember watching this lifetime movie laaaawd now looking back at this how toxic can TV shows be to people with mental disorders or illness . I remember this girl cutting herself to feel the pain that she couldn't explain just to feel it as a form of reaction. As a form of physical feeling and so  I tried it. "Sighs" that was the beginning to a very dark part and time in my life.

Doing this was my way of crying out for attention now that i'm older I can see that now. I was desperately crying out for someone anyone to hear my cries for what they were. Something unusual was really going on with me. Why was my mood changing, getting upset and angry, my body was changing gosh how confuse was I. An island girl in America with no instruction manual on how to adapt here that was sickening. I felt like no one would hear me I was embarrassed.

"Wait hold on, I don't see these cuts" he said. Looking at the most obvious places a person could reveal these wounds. I began to cry when I showed him my wrist and thighs. I was extremely embarrassed because in that moment I felt like doing it. It did not matter I was being comforted or being communicated to his words began to fade slowly and my heart started pounding. I felt like I was in trouble.

He took his glasses off instantly wiping his forehead while my lips moved with such piercing words. That was the moment he realized he was in my life for the long run.

We'll continue this next week Monday same time same place. Keep your focus on you and remember you are never alone. We're all fighting a battle I'm trying to tell mine.