I Proposed To The Wrong Woman PT (1)

Disclaimer :  I am not bashing anyone in this post I am simply telling my story because I'm sure many people can relate. Some of us has had encounters with very toxic relationships I'm just sharing mine.

Let dive in.

About 4 years ago I was visiting North Carolina with an acquaintance of mine. We went to visit her boyfriend and I just went for some adventure to take some photos, try some food and catch up with one of my friends who lived there. We were in Charlotte  mostly so it was really slow to me compared to Ft Lauderdale where we lived.

I made some plans to meet up with my friend Jane (for the sake of confidentiality i'll throw some random names in there) Jane and I were online friends since Myspace and we had never met. So it was a great way to just come out my comfort zone and of course meet up. She stayed in Kannpolis this little country town that SAT on the outskirts heading North of 85. I remember being amazed by how beautiful and green it was in North Carolina. I was super excited  of course to drive by myself taking on adventures alone just embracing me and these new ventures.

Meeting Jane was a little awkward but not uncomfortable she was very different in person. We talked for hours and hung out smoking and having a great time just you know experiencing seeing each other.  She wanted to introduce me to her friends who was my Ex we'll call her Sonia (ha) and her sister Katherine (Lmao these names are actually hilarious i'm dying)

The first night I met Sonia I was like woh woh woh ! This girl is hella cute I think I noticed her body before I noticed her face. I liked how parts of her body meaning her arms" chill! I was not looking at her butt or her chest"I was looking at her arms how toned and fit they were. Then Jane introduced us and Sonia leaped over for a hug. Idk why but I instantly felt all fuzzy on the inside I felt good. She was releasing alot of light and it was exciting. This was  prior to me finding myself so my sense of judgement was off I made some fucked up moves. Not that Sonia was a horrible person she was very extroverted and I mean extra asf!

I then met Sonia's sister, her mom, Grand ma, cousin, step dad all in one setting I was actually surprised by how loud  and funny they were but they were being themselves. Jane warned me prior to going over to Sonia house that they were a non-traditional anything close to being my family.  They made me feel very very comfortable which to this day I appreciate cause I was shy but I felt very welcomed . Of course i'm a stoner so I wanted to smoke with Sonia and Katherine I'm always up for a session since I had been driving  for hours I needed to unwind a little.  We vibed , play some cards and had some conversation you know be social. At first I was completely unaware and out of tune with myself. That day  I was being me very shy but still being myself and open to meeting these new people.

The first night we smoked it was in my car. I had Jane do all the driving since I was not familiar with North Carolina and I'll admit it was fun. This was some great adventure doing silly things talking about my life and my culture and enjoying their company. We were high asf riding around the lonely country roads because of course in Kannapois everything shuts down at 9pm. Then the munchies started to kick in and we drove around looking for food. It was my first time going to Steak and Shake and I remember sitting across from Sonia.  I was so high out my mind I saw her fixing her fries hella weird adding the juices from the pepper bottle,  ketchup and the fry seasoning. It kinda sounds hella tangy eh? Well it was she  was just adding a bunch of shit and I started following her and ya'll dem fries were bomb. I still do it to this day.

We had a nice time I hung out with them two days in a row and on my last day I remembered telling them I'd be back in October to basically have a great time. When we dated this was our story we would tell people about how we met, that hug we shared all the things that brought us closer.

Sonia and I were both single but talking to a few people we decided to get to know each other on a more personal level. I loved long distance relationships back then I knew how to make a long distance relationship fun because of how I lived my life. Once a person changes so does your perception and this is how I saw see her before the love story turned into a hate story. We talked consistently everyday for 3 months I mean on the phone, text, Ft you name it we were always talking. We got to know each other in a very patient way  I think that was also great to me being able to show her how deep I can love without sex. To me she was different for me it wasn't about how she looked it was more about how she felt and how we talked and how funny she was.

I liked her so much I wanted to show her the world and share my experiences with her. I loved her personality but never  looked at how her personality affected my life at times. I drove 12 hours to be with her and spend  almost 2 weeks in North Carolina roaming, having multiple smoke sessions, meeting her extended family etc. We had a lovely time I fell head over heels for Sonia I mean from our first kiss, the first time we made love, our first date everything. I tried alot of things for the first time with her and I wouldn't change it because I experienced it. Bruh typing this up I can't believe ya girl actually was in that country real country. City girl in the country how long did I really think that was gonna last! 

We had a really great first year together I mean so good. Her family loved me and I loved them we got along things were great she accepted me for me and understood me being a introvert. Her friends became my friends ehhhhh wrong thing to do but things were great for the most part. We even took vacations together with her family and just her and I. I made sure we were always doing things to grow together. Financially I had it, so if I had  we did and it should be like that way especially if the one you love is appreciative about it.

December  she and her sister Katherine visited me  in Ft Lauderdale where I proposed to her on the beach. Ya'll it was so good yes I'm very dominant and I do what I want. I'm was an over achiever back and I was clearly putting myself out there way too much. I was lonely actually, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to feel, I wanted to share me with someone.What an interesting way to look at life at age 24 wtf was I really doing. I'm not worshiping  the person I love to the point of losing myself like I did her because I did.

 I worked very to hard to grow from this woman  Clearly how I felt and showed and expressed myself  was different I was all Sonia Sonia.  I was doing and feeling unthinkable things. I did not think proposing to her would be the worst decision of my life. I loved her I fell for her too fast. She said yes of course and we had matching rings and shit. I felt great about the decision we both made and we were making them together.

After a while I never stopped and realized I was over doing it. She made me feel so important but dependent on her as well. I was coming out my pockets way too much for her, for us. I was being a  over active in that department and without it being reciprocated. I mean she even called me "High maintenance at one point" Ya'll I was working a really great job. I worked hard for  my money and I like to take care of myself and people around me when needed. We were so different , we come from different backgrounds,morals and views we are entirely different. There was even a food barrier between us how different we were. Our relationship started moving down hill in September of 2015 I remember our first year anniversary going like this I believe it was the first time I questioned her as my partner.

She had got us this this beautiful cabin up in Brunswick North Carolina she knows how I feel about nature and cabins. I appreciated it so much I think I loved her even more that day when she told me about it. She saved her money to just make me feel special enjoying a new place and some beautiful scenery. I thought Sonia how to appreciate nature in my own opinion and it was amazing sharing such an experience with her.  Yes, i'm talking about her in a much positive tone because She was a good person to me but because we became toxic does not mean I want to remember her only in that light.

I believe in privacy I really do ; personal space yes I need space to recharge my energy so I respect it. This day her phone was just out in the open. We arrived at the cabin we had  a beautiful moment kissing in front of a  huge ass mountain while the  morning sun kissed our faces as well. It was beautiful, we explored the cabin, I saw deers, I saw how peaceful and relaxing the next days were going to be.  We were unpacking groceries for the next few days that we  had picked and we were eating some Jello Shots when her phone went off and I glanced at it. I mean we were together a year now I think my eyes seeing wouldn't be an issue. But what was on the phone fucked me up I ran outside to call my homegirl and I bust out crying. Before I came on this trip I had some thoughts running through my mind about her cheating because she started getting to know new people which there is nothing wrong but she was spending entirely way too much time with this person.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? The text said " I miss you baby" and I was livid. I mean boiling my friend tried to calm me down on the phone but I could not stop crying.  I felt her hand touched my shoulder while I was standing on the deck and I turned around "What's wrong she asked"? So I hung up and I said "Nothing". This was my first moment of feeling closed in because I did not know how to communicate to her. Saying "nothing" became my shut down word.

I went to the couch and sat down where she sat next to me trying to love on me and try to make me happy but I was stifling in my own mind. "Sonia what's that text on your phone" ? I blurred out. She looked confused and responded " Oh that just my coworker Hanna you know the one I work with". She said it like It was normal and I shook my head while my tone changed " No why the fuck is she calling you baby and sending you I miss you text messages" I asked while standing to my feet. This girl had the nerve to tell that it's a country thing for people to call other people baby. I looked at her and my tears could not stay they came flooding down my eyes so ran into the room.

She stormed after me  holding me in her arms and said " I will never give you a reason to worry she's only my friend and I love you". She continued to kiss my lips and at the time I just wanted us to enjoy being out there alone in that 3 layer cabin to ourselves making memories. I cried and cried I felt so weak like was I blowing this out of proportion but deep down I felt more hurt. She gave me some space and fixed us some wine and I did make the most out of that trip. In the back of my mind being out there was suffocating because I did not want to  be lovey dovey  I was in disbelief that she was telling the truth. Something in me just felt off.

After that day small things started showing itself especially the issues that arouse was more about cheating than anything. She started telling me wanted to hang out with her exs, I mean people she had sexual relations with and I was so disrespected because she felt like even though I was uncomfortable that was not enough to avoid that. She still did it anyway. We started fighting alot verbally I mean we lived in two different states. Something had to be done I mean I tried to think of ways to fix us and work on these feelings but I still felt like she was cheating on me. Sonia had a history of and I quote her "Being a hoe" in the past dating alot of women for sex to fulfill her needs ya'll that didn't bother me it was her past and I wanted her for her and not because of that. Red flags galore! How many have ya'll caught since I started"

I had to put this out my mind that she loved me and I had to be more confident in our relationship. So I let alot of things slide and I felt like she was right I was doing too much. Even though I felt strongly against her being close to these people she forced me (yes I said force) me to accept these things. Sonia took alot of advantage of my Mental Health. Because I was shy and did not like confrontation she took advantage of  my vulnerability at times saying things to change how I felt disregarding my feelings 58% of the time. Shit those flags weren't enough for me. We dove into our second year being together and we decided she was going to move to Florida I thought that would fix this. She was going to be  close to me, I was  excited and I get to have all her time and be with her the right way. Laaaawd that did not help. She moved to Florida and was unhappy. Bare in mind this was a mutual agreement her family thought it was a great plan for her to move here and grow.

Yall Sonia moved out and moved in and she fucking hated Florida. It was too fast, it was too this, too that would yall believe I took care of all her needs. I supported her to the best of my ability.Sonia was fucking texting her friends things that was happening in my house, my personal business like personal information my family was going through, she was talking about my mom. She was basically talking about the money that wasn't even hers she was not for my family and apart of me felt like she was just jealous our lives. My friends did not like her they saw through her they all thought she was an optimist but I loved her. I took her side in all situations do you believe I lost my fucking job trying to make her happy. She was flirting with women behind my back  in my own house. I paid her bills bruh I did and with no question did I say " I need your help" NEVER! How mentally exhausting is that to be with someone who can react like that. She was home all the time and my biggest regret was allowing her to be so flexible with being so disrespectful.

This was the first time in ages since my depression started to floor into my life again. I use to be at work lost like how can I fix this, what can I do, how can I make her happy. All the things I should be worrying about my dam self. I was very unfocused at work it started keeping me up at nights just thinking. I felt uncomfortable laying beside her and I thought it was all me me me!So I remember this like  it was yesterday we planned to head to North Carolina to see her family. I'm a little teary about this because Sonia had no idea how hard I worked for my things. So driving up to North Carolina we weren't even an hour away and my tire blew out on my car.

My car was in great condition and I get life happens I don't blame her for the tire blowing out but it was scary the car swung around we ended up on the side of the road. I have bad anxiety something she has no idea how it feels. And I wanted to go home back to my house since we were 10 hours to North Carolina and only about an hour to my house. She was salty, upset, she even told her I was in my feelings. Like wow! So what did I do? Yup drove up there with her to make her happy. What a bitch! Ya'll the unthinkable hasn't happened yet....

Pt 2-Coming your way tomorrow!

Kay said...

You have grown a lot...i will always be there for u boo

Kay said...

Life lesson 101