A SELF-MOTIVATED DIARY

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I Proposed To The Wrong Woman PT (2)


OMG you guys thank you so much  for reading my pt 1. I received so much feedback from you all. Some of you can relate and some of you just understands that I'm trying to be the voice for me and also other women who feel like they are alone. Thank you soo soo much your feedback this means so much and is appreciated. It's okay to be vulnerable it represents strength and never weakness. 

Let's dive in..

So after we reached North Carolina I was in such a shitty mood but of course I did not want to disappoint her or her family by being standoffish. I'm a West Indian and I want any Americans reading this post to know that I did not grow up in the United States or did I grow up eating the food that 's traditional at Thanksgiving so being upset with Sonia and being upset that I could only eat maybe 2 things on  my plate was pretty fucking shitty. Sonia was having a great time and I was just suffocating. I couldn't communicate to this woman that I was hurting and that I rather be home. I could not express these things because of how she was already making me feel.

She had me doing crazy coo coo shit like running through her phone, wondering who she texting and making her happy that wasn't me. I could not understand what the fuck I did to her to make her treat me like this. I was shocked. I was taking a shower the night before we left to head back to Florida and her phone kept buzzing on and on and on and seriously did u  think I was not going to look? Oh I looked alright. You bet I looked cause I needed answers and she was not giving them to me. Bruh why was she talking about me to her best friends sister yo not even her bestie but her sister telling her how she feels like "My mom has all this money and she does not help me" Ya'll I was making $56000 a year  working as a Senior scheduler for doctors alright between taking care of her and my bills and her bills. I don't think my moms money is what I needed it's actually her who I needed it from. Sonia was very masculine but didn't act like it. She was more fake than she was real and i'll give you instances where she made me out to be the fake one. I needed her to step up when I needed her. Did I need to spell it out?

That's how I realized that Sonia and I had different morals and up bringing. Looking back I can see areas we lacked communication on but I still wouldn't understand how and why all this happened so fast.  She wasn't a good person, I feel like just because she said aww to a few things like she does not make her a great person. Her habits made her personality ugly her true personality that is.  She was pulling from me like a magnet. Seeing those text messages made me see red seeing her text all those things about money that my family had which she has no idea the amount of sweat my parents poured into to achieve. It really put some perspective to things. She was fucking arrogant and  a lazy human being. I didn't blow up I played it cool. I played it soo cool to the point where parts of me started disappearing before my own eyes.


On our way back to Florida we did not talk the whole ride. I just wanted to smoke and relax and just be in my zone. Lawwd even my smoking became a problem. Ya'll wait it gets worse so be patient. It was pouring down in East Florida we were already 75% done with the journey  and the rain was beating my windows. I was so upset though I drove all the way into Florida until we were maybe 3 hours away and I opened my mouth for the first time in hours. "So Sonia let me get this straight you're telling your friends about my family money"? She blew the fuck up! I means she blew up! " Why you going through my phone?" " I can't trust you, I can't believe you went through my phone" She said. Her  body language changing, hands starting to move, I realized she was becoming embarrassed. Do you think you can talk to an island gyal like that? Psssh man it started to add up. The aggression and resentment built up.

She didn't talk to me a for a few days and I loved her so  I did not wanna see her upset. So I stooped to her level apologized for going through her phone since that's what she wanted to hear and we made up. Entering January of 2016 she started convincing me that my mom was really the bad guy. Like the reason I was struggling was because my mom was not helping me, us with bills that started to back up and when my depression kicked in it was over. Sonia was right in every situation moving forward. I could not see myself in the light I once did. Something was really happening to me. I  did not want to be friends with my friends, I did not wanna come out the house, I did not wanna be around my family it was only Sonia. When i'm depressed my drive increased my sexual drive that is we were having so much sex and I leached onto that. Those feelings , I wanted to feel safe and feel complete she made it seem like she was the fix, the medicine the answer to all my issues.

One night she told me I wanna go home and see if I could work and make some money there. I was so dependent on Sonia I really felt like I could not live without her. She told me so many times to quit my job because it became too stressful on me and we should move to NC . She told me everything I wanted to hear. We could live with her mom until we found a place. I could easily find a job and we would be happier. I did not stop to think dam my family, my life, my friends all things that makes me happy and are apart of me was going to get left behind. No, even she didn't. Sonia just never wanted to move is all and she never wanted to come to Florida and try it and love it. She was more focused on being back  in her comfort zone and how she felt.

On January 5th, 2016 I walked into my job and I was fired. My boss basically said I lost alot of focus at work, missed days, and I was not meeting the business needs. Ya'll would think me calling her on the phone I would hear some empathetic words but nah she responded words like " I'm happy you don't need to deal with them anymore." I was so fucked up in the head and going through so much disappointment I went to my friends house and just sat there for a hours just venting. I didn't know what to do. I even told her how I felt about Sonia. She warned me a lot of my friends warned me about her and moving to NC and I did the unthinkable.

I made up my mind she was right and I went home even with the hate I started feeling towards her and I took it. I went home and into her arms I cried. She began  telling me things I wanted to hear she was making me feel the things I wanted to feel because I was lonely. Depression is no joke. It makes you eat your way through your emotions which does not help, it  releases unwanted toxins into your body that controls how you behave and think.  This was no where near me , my reflection was not the same and  I faded into the mirror. I could not see myself. I grew into being her shadow.

We moved to North Carolina even though my family did not want me going I still went. The whole time I rode up there I kept looking at my ring somethings needed to change. I had to change Sonia was the only one in my corner I needed to change.  I was already having Suicidal thoughts I was ashamed of myself. For breaking relationships with my family, loosing a job I worked hard hard hard for, distancing from my friends, losing myself. It became so hard I made so many stupid decisions. The first day we got to NC I was just sad and depressed and it showed. Everyone noticed it. I stayed in bed for days cried for days, would not eat , I was so torn. I felt so low and tired and upset ya'll this is making me emotional.

I laid there one Sunday as the afternoon faded into the night. My heart pounding and veins open ready to be stopped. My spirit leaped out of my chest onto to floor. It was like having a dream, staring at your yourself watching the most beautiful parts of you wash away. I saw my smile fade into  a frown, my eyes teary until swollen, I watched my body change right before my eyes, I watched my self love turned into self hate. It was a like watching a demon suck the life out of me and the only issue was I was that demon. I began doing and thinking self inflicting things upon myself I could not explain. Everyone around me was talking about me telling me I was not good enough. I felt so weak so shallow I put alot of thoughts in my head. There was no consistency at all.

I heard the voices who uttered things like " She's always depressed, she don't talk, she in her mood" all these things I felt that I could not explain. I connected with someone in Sonia's family a sister but not blood sister who really pulled me out my funk. Her name was Tara and I'm using her name because she's prolly one of the most accepting people I know in this life. Tara was already going through somethings of her and she and I rarely crossed path but I'm not gonna lie something in me told me to reach out to her and she was my first friend actual friend I made. Tara pulled me out my depression she helped get me a job and helped me see life different from what I was seeing.

I was already in North Carolina for about 3 weeks it was time to embrace me being here. Sonia no longer wanted me smoking one the gifts the universe blessed me with  and actually met me smoking. Do you see how the parts of me that made me mi and allowed me to me my free self she did not want. She could stand me doing things I loved and enjoyed like that. Everyone in her family really did love me and I loved them deeply and truly.  They use to argue with her just to spend time with me everyone wanted my time to smoke and chill and vibe like we use to do but even her family saw how controlling she was. Tara was my escape. she lived in Davidson NC and it was a little drive to get there but that's what made it fun.

I began coming out my shell more with Tara and She would even sneak mi the blunt all the time so I could escape from. From all that bitterness and anger and she would tell me how much to love myself and be myself and tell me all the encouraging things I needed to hear. It became a point where there was Tara there was me. I spent more time being around her because of her energy and her vibe I wanted to move in lol She had this dog named Oreo and we would smoke and eat and get orea so high we would all be passed out. Talk about our life stories, goals, we traveled together. She let me love NC in my own way.  I use to stop on Mooresville road and pick flowers and put them in my hair, windows down playing my best music it was good to feel important within myself and just be thankful that I was able to find a new friend.

I know ya'll didn't stop to think that this wasn't going to be an issue  because it was. Sonia became JEALOUS. I mean the girl gave me an ultimatum that I had to choose between smoking weed and her. Ya'll she gave the empress, mi, an ultimatum. Ya'll if that don't make you look ugly and desperate then I don't know what else to say. But ya'll know old me of course choose her. I did it because I knew there were ways around that BS and that her people's had my back. No seriously they had my back. The whole time she gave me that ultimatum I was smoking getting high on Mooresville road, in-front the house, in her car, with her friends, everyone snuck a blunt to mi everyday. I mean her fam and I even came up with going to exercise and we would go smoke until one day  I came back and she was like "come here" and said "open your mouth" I was shocked I never had my personal space violated like that before . Yes we were together but to smell my breadth is a little woh. She was like  " you high?" and I was like "ummm maybe" with a smile on my face. Ya'll she aint talked to me all night. So I said "I'm sorry I can do better and I wont ever again" that what fueled her. I realized prior to me and her getting to this point I was the man in our relationship. Paying the bills, being a provider, taking us on trips, introducing her food she wanted to be that, play that, act like that but had no idea on how to be that. This wasn't a competition that was just me. It was my personality I love to give and help and support and nourish and that was taken advantage of. By her wanting to take on a role for someone who never looked at life with roles to play she fucked it up for her and mi royally by controlling and belittling me in the worst ways.

From the time she hit that door the next morning psssh I drove to Davidson and of  course smoked away. I took jobs out of town  and I mean days of blocks not to be at home with her. I needed to escape and needed to be free of her and her energy. Everyone else wanted to me to be myself and be free and a be able to connect show the sides of me they've seen and not that side she wanted me to only rely on her. I took trips all over the united States working with Tara and being myself. Now remember I told her I was not gonna smoke so I did a job up in Gordon Georgia and I got a stream of text flooding to my phone.
Here we go again. The text said "when you come home we'll discuss all your lies"
"I know you been smoking"
 Ya'll listen to this fuckery! I was not gonna lie I was scared and I did not know why. I felt like a child afraid of getting her ass whopped by her mama. I called her 48 times and she ignored me. So what I did? I called my Tara and said "Sonia text me XYZ" Tara was like "Nahhh who she think she talking to?"
Her words boosted my confidence and to see the perspective of things. " Are you a child?" she asked. "Don't you let Sonia make you feel like that and come to Davidson on your way home" she responded. Ya'll for 6 hours I sat in the car nervous, sweaty and quiet. My partner who and I that worked this job was just like "Are you okay? Did something happened, you don't looks so good" and I busted out crying.

Women are so beautiful I'm not gonna lie they really are. And they can be uplifting and this girl was that. She had no idea what was going on in my life but she said "Whatever it is never it sufficate and consume you". That drive to Davidson felt so long that when I got there it was already 1 am and Tara waited for me. She waited up for me to get there and wow she with a blunt rolled and food for me. I apprecaited that so much. Back then alot of people were telling me what to do instead of me making my own decisions I was in a funk everyone knew. Things were'nt the same I did not feel the love I had for her I just started settling very fast. And she grew uglier and uglier by the day. After I drove to NC I don't remember if we talked or what but psssh who cared. I stopped caring , I stopped obsessing I just stopped. I really started growing some balls.

On my birthday night  big 25 she threw me a party and all my stoners were there. It was my birthday right? So of course her brother rolled me up a few blunts including this long asss snoop dog blunt and everyone was hitting it. I mean everyone. This was my only day "Sonia allowed me to smoke" Ya'll she don't understand how much her family loved me I never stopped! lol I recall smoking and our eyes made contact and I rolled my eyes at her dancing having a great time. It was sooo good. Tara, Sonia's sisters, my friends, were all there. I was so happy to just be myself this one day infront of her and she did not look like she wanted me to have fun. She was an attention seeker that's how I see it. She really did get drunk and started acting stupid at my birthday party but who cares I was still smoking and having a great time. I had a great time with her family. I felt like I was coming out my shell.

We grew distant yes we did and lord knows wtf she was doing at times. I was so concerned about what I was doing and going to Davison I spent more time in the city and city life loved me. I took on extra work, I made more plans with Tara and that use to boil her blood and then ya'll shit started unfolding for me. I mean real shit.

This is where my relationship ended. I believe this is the part where it really and truly ended. Sonia's family always had Sunday dinner at her house and this one day we had an argument over me smoking and doing what I want. We weren't having sex, we weren't supporting each other, we became strangers I was always out on the road living my city life with my new friend (her sister Tara) I could care less. As we argued more so did my words, and how I said it changed. I was tired I did not care. I called her a "Bitch one day" and shes said " You fake you show me one thing and show my family another" and I said dam dam dam dam! "Love" wow!  She even took her ring off at times to create these authority reactions like playing the victim in cases and saying she's not wearing my ring until I act better. That hurt so much smoking became my escape for everything and drove all the way to Salisbury to visit her grandmother. I mentioned that Sonia's family and I were close. I spent alot of time with them because they were also my family.

Her grandmother in particular was  a sweet woman. She was my life, I loved her grandmother more than my own because she understood me. She loved me like her own grandchild.It was raining this day  it always seemed to be raining when me and her had our fights and I left for Nana's house. When I got there she opened the door and was shocked that I was there. "Baby you alright" she said and I walked in sat on the couch in my favorite spot where Sonia and I use to sit. I loved going to her house when it was us two and I would pull her family album out just wanting to hear stories from her past. She would tell me about her life as a biker, the farm her daddy had growing up. picking peas to sell to locals, her struggles and life story. I would cry and just be there just for silence just for time just for peace she knew Sonia and I were fighting because she never failed to tell me come over when you need space. I loved her so much she was also one of the people I connected with while in North Carolina. Nana was my everything. She knew her grandkids would sneek me to smoke and she was all for it. She understood I was a good person and that Sonia was not the right person for me. "Sonia is my granddaughter and you worked alot in Florida" looking into my eyes "take some time and not work, let her take care of you for once" she said. Are ya'll shocked asf as I was. I was flushed asf in the face from crying that her grandma said "Let her lazy ass know how it feels to take care of somebody"wit "I aint stupid "look! She knew how to make me laugh.

 About two weeks after my birthday the unthinkable happened. Ya'll I fucked up!

I'm saving the last parts for pt 3 which is going to be posted tomorrow so i'll give you guys a scoop before I end pt2.

So Sonia's cousin who was the plug would smoke me out all the time and he knew all the spots to take me to. We would talk about his gf and talk about Sonia and how he did not like her ass. Ya'll he did not like his own cousin. She would tell me all the time about the type of women she dated , how she was controlling, and I was confused why was he telling me all these things so I asked. What he said to me was the eye opener "You're beautiful, your full of substance and charisma and I don't know why you're here" he said while hitting the blunt and passing it. " No really she ugly asf , and she stay disrespect you everyday and she's always airing your business out" ya'll shoooooket!I was shoook asf! I was so high I started laughing and these words floored out my mouth right there and then. " Oh really hmmm Mi ave medicine fi people with ar disease". What that ment was i'm over it and I'm ready to start fucking with her head.

I had a job that I did with Tara and I was laying in the back seat. We hyped asf because the rental company gave us  a Jeep Patriot and man we was whipping that car on the 85. Tara and I pulled up at Sonia's cousin house and we were about to smoke and head back to Charlotte this was around 2 am in the morning. I was laying back on the seat, feet up, high and just vibing when Tara said the unthinkable. " Do you ever just sit and think about how people connect with people " and " I've been meaning to say this" My nerves was calm I was high and just in my zone. I began to listen closely to what she was saying. She said " you remind me of my ex" Say what now !!! (ya'll I thought I was hearing things) she said " Your'e so dominant and in charge and sweet and loving and attentive and it remind me of my ex" I was looking at her eyes in the mirror up front looking at me trying to pierce through my sadness. " I wanna kiss you, I wanna feel your lips on mine. Sonia would kill me please don't say anything" she said. Damon hopped into the jeep and we both became silent.

I thought about it the whole drive, the whole way to drop off the equipment from working all day. I was confuse was this a test, was she trying to fuck with me? Nah there was no way she would do that to me. And boy she was telling the truth. We were unpacking all the gears into the warehouse and we stopped there for a second just standing there, smiling I reached for hands and I looked right at her and I wanted it , we both did. I could tell by her body language and her touch that we were going to kiss. We both reached over and......

PT 3 continues tomorrow.
Sondra Battle said...

😳😳😳😳😳😳