A SELF-MOTIVATED DIARY

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I Proposed To The Wrong Woman (Pt 3)

We kissed yes we did and so did the unfolding of our paradox moments. I was so shocked at myself but you know what? It felt great! For the first time in years I felt unapologetically unconcerned. It wasn't about hurting Sonia, or opening the can of worms it was more me.
I'm sure some of us went through the experiment stage well I didn't I never got to know someone and say " Oh well you're not for me" Never!  I literally dated all the people I was getting to know I couldn't understand why I felt the way I was feeling. I loved Sonia jah knew how I loved that woman to the points of losing control of my own sanity I loved her but by Tara and I sharing this moment I understood things were changing.

This was really a hush hush situation. The only person I could tell was the person I kissed. She was my bestie but these feelings were confusing. We went our sepeare ways home and when I got back to Sonia's I could not sleep all I could think about was the kiss.

I tossed and turned for hours wondering “ Am I a bad person?” How could I do this to Sonia then guilt fled in more than anything. I vowed to not do it again to myself that is. I went back to work the following day to do some
Work to make some extra cash. Tara avoid me but how can you try to avoid me? She’s like my only friend so of course I went looking. I waited for everyone to leave to talk more about what happened.

I was nervous but not to the point I couldn’t be verbal. After everyone left and we stood in the front office we pretty much made a pack to not  talk about it and we
Kissed ( what fuckery) and this point it was over. We started texting and talking on the low not anything sexual just more sensual a little hand holding and kissing I didn’t feel like I was being taken advantage of or anything we both understood what were doing.

Sneaking around doing this would give me a crazy  adrenaline rush I didn’t wanna stop. It made me more bold too that I started making friends within her family and I was doing my own thing. I started cooking more , doing hair, exercising, spending time with Sonia’s younger family spending more quality family time. I mean ya girl even started coming out to Sunday dinner and talking more. I didn’t feel guilty anymore I didn’t wanna be a shadow. I wanted to embrace this new feeling of not feeling suffocated.

Sonia‘s cousin Brianna  had a boyfriend who needed his hair braided one day so he would come over to their house and play cards and basically yeah just chill. Sonia was all for it she wanted me to be able to make some friends and mingle . So on the day he invited me to his house we sat down and talked. Yeah! get ready  ! get your teacups, get your drink get your food because this story is about to get rocky. 

His name was Aaron and He was the  baby daddy for Sonia ‘s ousin and he was basically was trying to open my eyes to see the truth. He inherited his grandma house and it was pretty big. How cool is that? I was visiting him to install a new software on my laptop. He fixed me something to drink and I watched him play some video games. After 20 mins of him finding the software he began to form conversation and he says how “well do you know Sonia?”

I was drinking my cherry lemon sundrop ( my favourite when I’m in NC) and I was suprised by how he asked this question  “I mean I’ve  been with her for  2 years what you mean how well do I know her?” I asked laughing. “Well Sonia was just here a few days ago and she had alot to say to the point of her making it seem like you guys had some issue” he continued  looking at me.

“Are you guys really okay?”  he said eyes piercing me down for answers. What he said to me made me more ashamed of being in love with such a person like Sonia. He said “listen I’m not being a snitch but you are really a good girl , you’re beautiful ,you’re smart , you’re humble and you’re giving you really go all out for people even me and you don’t even know me” “I don’t wanna see you get hurt but I do feel like you do need to know what she’s been saying behind your back”

My heart raced almost feeling like it was about to jump through my ass. My soul vibrated like I was about to having an out of body experience. I was so angry  but boy she had a lot to say and she was venting to the wrong people. “Well first she said that you’re going through a rough time that’s causing you to do things like smoke behind her back and talk about her to her family” Aaron said searching my computer for space to install the new windows. “Yeah she said that she is happy that you guys haven’t gotten married yet“ “ now Sabrina I’m not gonna lie but Sonia sound like she controlling” he chuckled like it was some joke. At the expense of my hurt and ache laugh at me. I was raged with anger  and here we go yet another person using the word controlling. Was I ignoring too many signs? Let me answer that yes.  Why was I here with her? Why was I in such a state of mind that I could lose my own ability to see her for her .

Aaron had said enough but that wasn’t the last. “She said that you would be an unfit mother to y’all  children because every time y'all would fight You would Take the dog Roxie with you” He laughed. Now I didn’t mention Roxie our  dog that we had together. I Gave her Roxie as  a. puppy who is now three years old and she such a prissy little dog just like her mother me.  If I had a argument with Sonia  and I felt like I could not deal with her bullshit and I was suffocating. I would go home I would go back to Florida drive those 12 hours and chill with my family and friends.  Roxie wasn’t my way of saying “ oh fuck Sonia” I paid a couple thousands on the dog with my own money okay! And beside who wants to drive 12 hours alone she was my company plus she was in my name a pure fuckery this hoe lost her mind okayyyyy

Hearing Aaron saying those things about Sonia made me really pissed off but I couldn’t react because she was venting to him and to not blow his cover I basically had to act accordingly. Now Sonia had this idea in her head that her family was jealous of her and I and they wanted to break us up and that they did not love her and she did not feel like they supported her.  Mi bloodclat I never hear such a ting before.

But because I loved her I thought that maybe this was what she was talking about with Aaron. He must have been lying  but how would he know about Roxie and me going home if she didn’t tell him wow I was confused

The  worst part was  Aaron and his girlfriend were always fighting matter fact he used words like “she was crazy. I’m an analyser I analyse everything every situation and my surroundings. I’m always alert so I listened very keenly to what he said and how he said it before I could do anything else. “Do you wanna hear some advice She gave me for her cousin” he chuckled drinking his water. “oh well basically she said that if I was to cheat on her cousin then I could use this app called a vault”. Basically what this app does it stores other hidden apps that you can send pictures, messages, dating apps) “ yeah she basically told me to stop being stupid and talk to other girls. 

I could not believe what I was hearing mouth wide open drink fell to the floor I forgot what I was there for. I grab my keys grab my bag, grab my laptop and left. Aaron quickly rose to his feet following me out the door and pleading not to  tell Sonia and you know what I did. No I didn’t go  Sonia to cuss that’s dumb I needed more information but I needed to vent. I need to talk to someone I needed to talk to me.  I went for a drive through Mooresville when I drove up on this big tree where I sat and just cried. What was I gonna do with this information? How was I going to talk to her about this ? I know she would get mad if she found out that I was talking to Aaron and he was telling me all these things,she would be upset. I laid there until the spring leaves fell on my face. I talked to myself for a good minute talking myself out of olling up at the house and fucking this girl whole life up okay! 

I chilled on this information for a good minute weeks went by and things became a little better for her and  I with communicating wise. One day I was sitting on the couch watching tv chopped and I was just enjoying my own company often times that’s what there was to do. When I wasn’t working I was home in the country that’s how it works. I decided that I was going to actually do something special for Sonia  just to say “ I love you” so I bought 100 candles , her favorite chocolates and made her a dinner she really loves. I can never forget this day I was so exited for her to get home and just enjoy spending sometime together maybe tackle some of this sexual frustrations.

Ha but no homey saw the excitement on my face and still walked around the house like my excitement was nothing. I mean if my girl said “ I have a surprise for you “ I’d say what!what! what! tell me ! Nope she didn’t even seem a little concerned. She did get into the room eventually and she responded “ aww you did this for me” awkwardly. I love doing things like this when I’m with someone .  I never want you to feel unappreciated ever so every birthday every Christmas every special or even when there was nothing fo celebrate she was always appreciated.  I would go all out for people. I’m often called the overachiever but it wasn’t about overachieving it was about providing anything that I felt that she needed .I wish it were the same for me. She would always make excuses like oh you’re the one that plans better you’re good at these things I’m not. Honestly to this day I Needed her to just be happy with me and this was the day I question myself on if I could still make her happy.

Piece by piece I had to see it for myself calling it quits was the easy way out even though I have so many but love is love and you can’t deny it. But I was fed up.
I’m not gonna lie I did started crying  after all this. While she was eating she got on  her phone she didn’t ask me how my day was going mid sentence after her surprise lame ass reaction  She immediately got on the phone to talk to her boss. This was something that could’ve waited after she could’ve done it on her way home but now she was having an actual conversation with her boss on the phone. This was a slap in the face did she not respect me? did you not love me anymore? I was already feeling like shit and this was the topping.

We went outside and sat on the couch watching chopped. And I was fed up I was irrated I was tired and I didn’t give a fuck. I stood by her throughout a lot I didn’t mention in the story but from the dept or me I was so fucking hurt. Something in me so deep so upsetting came out and I  just said “ I’m not happy anymore. I don’t love you anymore. I don’t wanna be here and I don’t wanna feel unappreciated”.

Looking at me she looked confused “ why are you saying all this” “ are you breaking up with me”? She asked voice and tone sounding perfectly In tuned like she was unbothered. Looking at her with disgust I went into the room and knocked all the candles down and started packing my shit. Apart of me felt so fucking ready to leave I was angry and happy to leave .  I told her all the things I heard she said. The first thing that hit me was the unfit mother part. I was upset now I packed even faster and of course Roxie hopped in the car with me and we left. On my way to the exit and get on the highway I remember Aaron and as I was driving to Aaron’s house I realise what a beautiful day to fuck with Sonia.

So I went to Aaron to drop some dirty little bombs that he had no idea since this was the end. I could feel it in my veins that this was the end and the last I was tired I was fed up I said to myself while opening the door it’s about to go down ( In my Kevin Hart Voice ) The confidence but still self pity seeped through my mouth like honey everything was going to be sweet for my ex lover. Aaron walk outside when he saw me pull up. I pulled my curls back into a bun and walked up his stairs. “ i’m leaving and I’m most likely never coming back fuck North Carolina I can’t stand anyone here a” I began to mumble my words second-guessing all the things I was about to say. 

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Aaron asked. At this point Sonia knows everything about what we talked about basically just broke up with her fuck that bitch! I have nothing to say or do with her. And while you’re at it you can deliver this message to that bitch and tell her I said that she hurt me and  her that’s why I fucked her sister.I got the receipts to prove it don’t play with me. I promise you don’t play with me and tell her I said exactly that.

Y’all I wasn’t lying I was serious. That day Arron told me those things Tara and I had a moment we were both into it. It was perfect probably how I thought it would have happened. We just chilling in car just smoking getting high and getting really comfortable. I was so upset with pouring my heart out and I was vulnerable. We were listening to my anthem Rihanna Anti Album that was my everyday songs. That album had all the things I was feeling. It was really my breakthrough to embracing a lot of me thanks for the album RI RI. And we were making out which continued as we went up to her room
And things got heated. This was a in the moment (fuck) no tongue necessary all satisfying. While I drilled through her soul ahaaaa y’all guess what was she said ? “ Eyes red while di herbs flowed through her veins we were heightened I was Frass I felt like I smoked the gushy cali bud her tongue rolled as she touched my face, legs on my shoulder, pu**y out and dripping she said “ is this what you do to Sonia “ y’all she wild though!!!!!!!! I was shook asf!  

Snap snap! Back to Aaron. I left in range and drove to the end of the street and I realised “ I forgot my ring” I paid $1200 each i was going back to get my ring. I drove back to her moms and I knocked.  She opened the door, I asked  she handed it to me and I left. Sonia thought by us moving North Carolina and me being financially dependent on her that would honestly make her wear the pants. I felt like She wanted that more than anything. Thank god I saved up some money because all the ways I felt were accurate they were real . I was really in a toxic relationship.  She didn’t wanna give me money to do things for myself , she had an attitude to do things for me what a bitch. Funny now more than anything.  She had no idea I had planned and saved up $400 that I was putting towards a surprise party for her. Everyone knew her closest friends and family and even her friends hours away I planned a beautiful intimate night. I end up using that money to drive home.

I drove home and when I got there I can’t begin to explain how relieved I was. I was so happy to be in my bed with my dog and just me.

I cried for days, for hours, for a week and I slowly and slowly with time I gave no fucks about anybody but me. My friends came around I started spending more time with me. I smoked I was free I was alive and I was happy for once ina very long time. I created Curlyfrosista In June 2016 I was fucking living life for those few days when I was back. I created a profile on a dating app to get out there. I just wanted a distraction from Sonia nothing serious. I never loved anyone or anything this way I could only imagine how crazy she did think I was.  Then I met Cris on this app. Some of you that’s readying this Knows exactly who Chris is and knows that her and I started off as a great friends. I know it sounds like she’s my rebound but she wasn’t she was far from that.  

Chris and I were really good friends we met on this site and instantly we click on the first day. We were stoners,  Islanders , foodie music lovers and  nature lovers. We loved life as it came and we became really great friends. Chris knew about Sonia upfront I did not leave any things out and see Chris was the one to wake me the fuck up and help me understand my worth.  I did not think about Sonia while I was with Chris because she met my energy . She was a really great friend.  

I was taking a shower when I heard my email go off one morning and I glanced at my iPad. I had just came in from the beach with Chris and I saw this message it said "read me" and it was from Sonia. In the message she talked about how much she loves me and how sorry she was for everything that happened and to prove to me that she loves me she said that it was time for us to get a place together. Our apartment where we can start a family , where we could be together where we could be one and finally embrace what we were supposed to embrace when we first met .

It’s took me maybe a day or 2 to respond to her because I had no idea what to say I wasn’t over Sonia I was nowhere far from being over Sonia I was still wrapped up in her web. I couldn’t be rid of how I felt for her I became so anxious I became so tired I became so frustrated I became everything else than what I was feeling earlier in the day. I called Chris and told her everything who was very hurt actually that I was even giving her the time of the day but Chris understood and I love her even if Chris was already falling in love with me. She was the good guy the one who really appreciated me for me but stupid me.

I was not in love with Chris and she knew it she knew I couldn’t give her those parts of me not yet .  I responded and to the email and said "of  course I will come back I love you" " you mean the world to me and I wanna come back I want everything I want the apartment I want is to be together I want us to finally be able to be  in our own space. It was almost like she was sitting at the computer or on her phone because after my response my emails flooded. I was so happy you have no idea I forgot everything problem we were having everything that she did I forgot I was so happy that the woman I love was ready to step up and change.  I was leaping for joy leaping for validation from this woman who torn me to pieces. Christ told me something before I left which was "Be careful and that people don't change they rearrange" I swear if that ain't the truth. 

Her mum wanted me to come back just as much as she wanted me to come back the only way I could come back I had to apologise to Tara . I had to apologise for telling the truth I know that she was in a bad headspace I know that she was upset with me for saying those things and telling Sarah but from the looks of it Sarah didn’t believe me she didn’t even thought that what I was saying was the truth. Who stoops that low for lover? Me! Yea how fucking pathetic I really was going through it yall. My mum was not happy about me going back nobody was happy about me going back.

I wanted to share everything with her and yes I did the on thinkable I went back and I apologized.
I laughed and then I realise how dangerous I  became to this family.Imagine sleeping with your girlfriends sister and then having to be in the same room with her every day after you had to apologise for the truth even though she denied it. Imagine what an comfortable situation that was for her. I got my old job back I’ll tell you that much. I think this person  coming back was deafly not the person I was going to take shit from. I had spent a couple of months away from her I had elevated myself. My mindset was money, travel and starting a  new ventures. Apart of me loved the freedom of living In North Carolina I was much more responsible and I enjoyed being independent.

Disclaimer: To close this story I do not condone violence , physical abuse,  emotional abuse.  I do not condone any of these things if I could go back and re-change the past I would but I wouldn't at the same time. I took account for what happened with my ex but this is my story and mine to share. 

We move them to our place in September 2016 and guys I was so happy I was happy that we got this place together I was happy that I can cook in my  kitchen.  The first few weeks was bomb and we were living our lives she honestly tried to make 360 . She tried but along the lines of us growing apart from each other this settling shit was becoming wack.  Well let’s be real here I think  inner Sabrina  had enough she had already broke me I couldn’t give her any more of me because I had nothing left to give. I came back I was in the same situation I was sill unhappy even though I was in the apartment I spent way more days by myself in that apartment then I spent with her and all of her secrets unveiled  right before my eyes.

I was home one day cleaning up the house and then I realise how lazy she was. Do you guys know that my dog that she vowed love her so much started also resenting her because of how many times she’s hurt me  and my dog. Roxie would poop in the house every day just to piss her off . I’m not gonna lie it’s so funny the dog shit in the house every day and she was house trained by the way. Slowly and slowly I started to see her ugly Demons seeping through the facade. Until that one night it ended. It was like everything happen in one day and it was perfect because this was honestly my biggest testimony.

I was cleaning up and one day I was watching a show on her iPad. Soon as I connected to the Wi-Fi all her messages flooded in. I wasn’t upset matter fact it was funny I saw every text message every girl she texted I saw what she said about me I saw things that she talked about while I was gone. I saw how she flirted with women at my house. While  I was reading these messaged she wad texting me telling me how much she loves me and adores me while she was on Facebook and all her messages coming through. I guess that's what happens when you’re forgetful she forgot that iPad and boy she was catching up with her ex. Of course I asked her when she got home and of course she did not deny it.

She would come home right after work every day almost like a dog on a leash. I didn’t put that leash on her. I didn’t open my mouth I think just your guilty conscience spoke for itself I wasn’t bothered matter fact I was I was unbothered and when we arrive to the house I guess being bothered is what caused her to spiral. I had just got the shower and suddenly the TV was extremely loud “ Sonia can you turn your TV down” I said I promise you she did not turn it down. I watched her this lying ass woman  had the audacity to get up and get loud after I called her out. She was about to leave like she always does always leaving me in the house alone.

I grabbed her pulling her against me with her reflexes pushing me into the closet.  My half naked body on the floor not helpless but aggressive and upset charged at her. She pushed me  so I pushed her back, I choked her choked me my nails clenching into her neck not giving a fuck whether she could breathe or not. Yes I broke her glasses so her ass couldn’t see.Then she came outside I took some beer at threw It at  her face. I didn’t care she was walking around in circles in the apartment and you know what I don’t care because I push her again. If anything I needed to smoke and then she pushed me into the table and I couldn’t walk. I had a big bruise on my waist, scratches on my neck it was nasty. I’m not gonna lie for the first time Sonia was scared as fuck. We were both scared. Yes she went to her mom's house and I was a little scared I grabbed the knife from the kitchen just in case. I chopped up all our sex toys, we had a Portrait of us in the hallway I basically chopped my face out I took everything that belong to me I packed my car my mum sent me money and I never looked back. Driving out of  North Carolina was a fucking rush. When I hit that Welcome to South Carolina I tossed my engagement ring out the window. Who cares how much it cost. There was no point holding onto it. 

Wow! What a roller coaster. I have lots of untold stories and testimonies that I've grown from but this was truly my biggest one. What did you think? Let me know.

And remember not all ugly endings lead to misery there's always some color to every story I'm just living in my own coloring book. Bless!